I just want to drown myself in sex
9 months ago
until that other person comes
who will love me like I deserve.
Why does it have to be me?
Spreading eagle across the bed
is only nice for so many nights
in a row until it becomes like drifting
through outer space. Please don't
let my heart become as black
as the night sky when clouds hover
over my head. This rain cloud
doesn't always follow me.
My mom asks me if I have any happy
poems, with sunshine and a sing along.
How do I tell her without breaking
her heart, that I always feel alone.
Happiness sounds so cheap
when stacked aside lines like these.
My heart breaks for her and for me
because I know she wants to see
me smiling for the rest of my days.
It's never that easy. I am alone.
A smile through my tears and sarcasm
is all I can offer right now.
It's late and I should go to bed
but its empty and my own warmth
will have to suffice. I'm talking to you
whoever you are so you will know
the pain I was in, talking to myself
until you came along.
If I ever let down these walls please
dont make me regret it.
I dont know how many tries I have left.
I have become so many new
and different faces. Adopted masks.
I feel like I left the person I was proud of
in the dust many years ago.
Still wondering who I am
while doing things I used to do.
Drowned in the odour of honeysuckle...
my breath keeps me alive.
What to do when the guide is lost?
Can't find North. The stars are obscured.
The only thing that leads me
in my pants. I have many miles to go
before I sleep. But I'm so tired.
Maybe I'll try this again when I wake up.