cena: sandwich de mozarrella, una tonelada de sandia y café negro.
postre: cono nucita. [TRIGGERRED WARNING]
me siento muy muy muy llena y angustiada, esto debido a que madre compró una kola granulada que tendré que tomar todas las mañanas y me asusta demasiado, siento que esas cosas son sólo para engordar aunque la podré preparar yo así que es manejable. por otro lado, iré donde mi tía luego de la u y eso sólo significa almorzar allá lo que hace que me arrepienta un poco...
cuando terminé de cenar, vino mi padre a recoger a mi madre y nos trajo, a mi hermana y a mí, unos postres, me sentí muy abrumada y el mío se lo di todo a mi abuela. se veía muy rico, pero no me sentía capaz con todo lo que comí.
ahora estudiaré para la clase de mañana e intentaré no pensar mucho, sobre todo en la culpa y la kola granulada. ugh, en serio me siento demasiado mal, que mierda.
que tengan buena noche!
#dinner #dessert #eatingdisorder #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #mentalillness #beatana #anorexia #edwarrior #calories #toc #socialanxiety #depression #anxiety
Eating disorder recovery is HARD, but living with an eating disorder is even harder. After a good therapy session today, I decided I am done being at war with myself. I am done trying to change the shape of my body, I am done restricting what I put in my body, I am done purging, I am done living a life controlled by atypical anorexia. I wish it didn’t take me so damn long to realize that I am worthy of nutrition, that this body deserves to be fueled, my mind, my soul, deserves to eat. We live in a culture that says keto this, green juice that, paleo this! Guess what? Life is really fucking short. Eat what sounds good to you (if your physical health allows). Stop trying to shrink yourself and shift your body into weights and shapes that it doesn’t want to be in. Those extra 10, 15, 25 pounds, are where your life happens! If you’re having a hard time losing weight, that’s your body, fighting for YOU. We are not meant to live a life of counting calories and living in hunger. One day, you will wake up, and be sad for all the moments you let get away because the gym or the juice cleanse was more important. Love yourself, at your biggest size, your smallest, at all the places you’ve existed in between. You are an amazing creature of the universe, don’t let anyone, especially the voices in your head take away from all your greatness 🌟
I've been comparing a lot lately. But not in the ways I used to do. I used to notice the thin girl with clean arms and straight hair. I used to notice the body fat before I noticed the face. My brain often automatically decided that I would never measured up within three seconds of a glance. But that's not happening lately.
I'm comparing me now to sick me. Which is kind of messed up, but that's how the eating disorder gets you back under the influence. I can't run the way I used to. I can't restrict the way I used to. I get dizzy easier, notice fatigue faster, crash harder. "You're failing at recovery and at having an eating disorder." In case you didn't know, that's an incredibly painful thought to have to deal with, day in and day out.
I tried DBT skills. Check the facts. Opposite action. Distress tolerance skills for hours upon hours. And it didn't help.
So I flipped it, comparing the opposite way. I used to oversleep constantly. I used to feel like the floor might fall out from under me as my head buzzed and spun hot before I passed out. I used to strain muscles constantly. I used to not be able to sweat, pretty much at all. I used to have to wear long sleeves and long pants all the time, even in summer. I couldn't tolerate life.
And now I can. So whether I'm comparing to my sick self or someone else at any stage, and no matter how my brain revolts against all logical thought that says "it's so much better now," I am winning. My eating disorder is so much weaker than it ever was, and I am so much stronger. At the end of the day, I want to be me, all me- no ED.
So brain, go ahead and compare. At the end of the day, I'll win.
#eatingdisorder #eatittobeatit #anorexianervosarecovery #anorexia #recovery #comparisonisthethiefofjoy