Taking this selfie, every piece of me was screaming "don't do it, you can't post it! Where's your make up? You look horrible today!"
I pushed through, and although heavily filtered, I'm posting it... seems like a small thing in the grand scheme of life, but it's the first thing I notice when anxiety begins to takeover again - the negativity about my appearance, the need to hide behind the mask of make up, wanting to hide from the world because - in my head - I'm some sort of hideous monster that the world will want to run from.
This week anxiety is bubbling from many places - work, kids, study, not being able to talk to the one person I want to - but the biggest contributor was my last counselling session, which is a big topic to tackle, my inadequacy wound. I was starting to heal that last year before I was sexually assaulted, and when in the midst of that I was literally told that saying no was not a good enough reason to stop, well that not only opened the wound, it was digging in the knife and twisting it around.
This week I have slipped into a few old habits - emotional eating, impulse purchases. But despite that, I still got up every day, sent off assignments, went to work, didn't ignore the world around me. I am trying very hard to show myself kindness instead of criticism, and remember that while I am not perfect, nobody else is either because perfection is not attainable. I am enough and I have worth.
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