Lol THIS! If I strictly listened to my first instinct or "my gut" I'd literally never leave the house. I constantly feel like I have to appear normal or mirror the body language of others who seem to be "accepted" by others. Second, third and fourth guessing myself is a ritual, it seems.
I watch a lot..I definitely people watch. For entertainment, as a survival mechanism (because with anxiety, whatever CAN go wrong ABSOLUTELY will go wrong) people take confidence for granted and assume people who don't have it need to remember "it could always be worse" yes, we anxiety sufferers know this and are constantly vigilant of exactly that thought playing out in our everyday life situations.
After seeing a truck being driven through a crowd, I now assume that if I let my guard down for a second, it'll happen whenever I'm at any large venue. I.e. Saturday market, parade, 4th of july.... I know, unrealistic, statistically improbable but..none of that matters to my "gut"
Many of my loved ones are flabbergasted by my "ludicrous" fears and apprehensions. I'm as patient as I can be with this. I know they don't get it, it's not their fault. As a person with anxiety, my anxiety shames me for being anxious. Thus the vicious circle repeats. I hate large crowds but detest being alone. I crave alone time but feel isolated and afraid when I have it...on and on.
Maybe one day I'll be better, maybe I'll get worse, however, I do know one thing. I will never stop trying, loving, stepping out of my comfort zone, if only for a while. Baby steps are steps, despite the size. I'm so grateful to my loving Fiance and amazing children who never hold an episode or "funk" against me. To what few friends I have for knowing my abilities and constantly helping me to safely branch out. Anxiety belongs to me but effects many. We battle and love together and I couldn't ask for more. ❤❤❤❤ #anxiety #adultingishard #trustnogut #abortmission #donttellmewhattodo #invisibleillness #imfine #anxietyhelp #loveheals #yougotthis #imhere #workinprogress #neverdone