I don't go out much, and not for the reason most of you think.
It's not that I am scared.
It's not that i don't like it.
It's not that I have no time.
But, to be quite honest, as embarrassing as it may be, I have lost touch with many people from over the years, in which I am slowly cultivating back now.
When I was sick, and I mean in the depths of my eating disorder, I did not want to be around anyone. I was afraid, I felt judged, I felt disconnected with people, and extremely dark. My anxiety was always high, telling me I am not good enough, pretty enough smart enough, engaging enough... my thoughts forced me in cutting ties with those of whom I loved, eventually locking me up in a dark room, with nolight, no sound, no air.
I had no one, and understandably, the world went on, as those people's lives as well.
Come today, I took a chance.
I had messaged @danielasuarezfit
a few weeks ago when she spoke of a spinning event she was hosting @spincomontreal
. I asked if I could come, not necessarily for the spinning itself, but rather, for the exposure. I wanted to meet people. I wanted to get back into life. I wanted to enjoy, smile and engage with others as I once did.
Leaving the class this Saturday afternoon, in which started off cold, dark, and nerve racking, I walked out of there humbled, and the sun actually was there, shinning. I felt appreciation to have been part of the experience in meeting all these kind women, I felt grateful to have been allowed to come and get a high off of everyone's energy, and most importantly, I felt blessed to have been given a 100th chance at this life that I kept wanting to kill during those 13 years with my eating disorder.