In the past couple months, I've attended and preformed at only a couple open mics, compared to how many I did before, it's been a big change in my life... A lot has happened in my life in the past little bit that took a toll on me, I had a few injuries all very close together, my grandmother passed away, my depression came back in full swing, etc. There were many things I used to excuse my choices, and although reasonable, still excuses, and it's only now I'm really admitting that to myself.
I'm not one to focus on the negative, so I am very thankful for every amazing thing that has happened in my life too, memorable moments with friends and family, my career doing what I am passionate about, and connecting with my amazing boyfriend.
In my honestly though, I've used these thing as excuses as well. I've justified my well being with the things that are positive, ignoring the fact I don't feel good about myself.
With every open mic/performance I have skipped out on, I feel so much guilt, disappointment, frustration, and over time it's completely consumed me to the point where, I don't feel good enough. I feel weak. I feel helpless.
But despite all that, I know I'm not defined by what I feel, weather its good or bad.
I don't really have a happy ending to this right now, other than that I can promise everything will be fine, and I'll be back before you know it, but in the mean time... I need to work on myself.
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